A reader asks:

I don't feel "in love" anymore with my wife. Divorce is not an option, I want to have a good marriage. Any suggestions?

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I often tell people that after we get married we do things backwards. Before marriage we:

• Do things for each other to CREATE feelings of love
• We act in love because we want the other person to become in love
• We think of ways to make the other person feel great, feel loved, feel wanted before we are ever "in love" because we are looking to be "in love".
• We don't wait for the other person to deserve our "love", we actively seek out ways to cultivate it.

Then we get married, we:

• Only do things if we feel like it, or it benefits us
• Don't feel "in love" unless the other person is making us feel "in love"
• Wait around for the other person to change, to do things for us and to want us before we are willing to do the same for them
• Only love the other person if we feel like they deserve our love, and we feel like our love will be securely returned

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See? Backwards. If you don't feel "in love", so what? You didn't before you got married... you DID things to GET you to that point. Do it again.

Feelings follow choice... make choices that will lead to feeling "in love". It might take a while for the feelings to catch up, but remember, they didn't happen instantly before marriage either. Maybe faster, but not instantly.

Act like you are "in love". Do things, say things, choose things that an "in love" person would. Make the choice to be "in love" and the feelings will follow. Of course this takes both sides making the same choice. If your spouse refuses to do the same, then you've got a whole other set of things to deal with.

A reader asked me:

My husband was dismissed from his job but quickly landed another local job over two years ago. He decided not to take the local job because he wouldn't be making the money we are accustomed to. Unbeknownst to the kids and me, he chose to take a job in Baghdad, Iraq with the US Department of Defense working as a cultural advisor and linguist for our military. While I am grateful he is working for our country, I am emotionally drained the way he left because of the money factor and the way it has affected our lives.

He has been gone since February 2007 and has only been home twice for less than 10 days each time. I work full time at a local hospital, manage the household duties, take care of two teenagers, two dogs, the finances and everything else that goes along with owning a home. I have asked him repeatedly to please come home and be a family but he insists on staying in Iraq until we are "financially stable".

I have been through depression, grief, anxiety, panic attacks and at times will have one too many to drink, which is totally not me. I feel that he prefers to be over there making money rather than being with his family. He has missed the kids high school graduations, milestone birthdays, our 20th and 21st anniversary, etc. I am on antidepressants as well as our son. Our daughter seems to be handling it okay but I really wonder if she's repressing her feelings. I don't know whether to wait on him, divorce him or what the Biblical thing is to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

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Since you asked what the Biblical thing to do is, I assume you are both Christians, although your husband is not acting like one. He is dangerously close to "abandoning" his marriage, and giving you Biblical grounds for divorce. However, this alternative should not be impulsively pursued, and you should not do it alone.

My advice is for you to find a group of spiritually mature and Biblically grounded Christians and let them give you some direction and emotional support. There is no clear cut answer here, though it may appear clear cut to some. Scripturally, you are in a situation that requires prayer, Godly counsel and patience.

As for my personal advice, I can give that to you, but please keep in mind, that I don't know all the facts involved, only what you've shared. I can also only offer my opinion WHAT I WOULD DO... I'm not a doctor or lawyer or even a Pastor. I can only tell you what Brent Riggs would do in the same situation.

Brent Riggs believes that psychotropic drugs are detrimental to dealing with our problems and developing our spiritual strength. Do I think it is a "SIN" to take them? Of course not. There is no Biblical grounds for that. However, I do believe it hinders our growth, masks the real issues, and has become the "default" answer to heartaches and hardships. I would stop taking the anti-depressants which are unproven, arguably ineffective and often spiral into dependency and additional drug needs.

I would also avoid worldly therapists and psychologists (and "Christian" psychologists which are no different) who keep you perpetually entombed in your problems, rather than taking you to the foot of the cross and nailing them there. That's sounds like "fantasy" to the "mental health" so-called scientists and doctors, but as countless millions of Christians will testify, NO PILL CAN DO WHAT GOD CAN DO. As a Christian, God has promised you ALL that you need to live a Godly and fulfilled life (2Pet 1:3). Christian psychology says God gave us PART of what need, and they make up the difference. Trust GOD, not human theory.

From my experience, I would say that your husband is not happy in the marriage, and obviously is HAPPIER about something else: making money, living a semi-single life, being out on his own. It is possible that your husband is the RARE exception, and is doing this in total sacrifice for his family, but that would not be my guess based on my experience. Most men, or women, who are CONTENT and willfully choose to be away from their families, simply do it because they are happier doing their own thing.

I know that's not very encouraging, but it doesn't do any good to avoid the reality. Here is my list of advice for you:

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• Find a group of mature Christians to guide you and Biblical counsel you; this is absolutely the most crucial step you need to take.
• Tell your husband where you are at emotionally; tell him that "divorce" has now become part of your thinking, like it or not, and that you consider your marriage more important than a higher income
• Let your Christian advisors help you determine a plan with some timelines and dates specifically communicating to your husband when and what you need to do if he does not return home
• Make every effort to get your husband to talk to, and listen to, your Christian advisers... let them communicate to him the seriousness of the situation lest he think it is "just you" being emotional

Readers, what advice do you have for this dear sister? Leave a comment with more advice for her...

What are your questions for me about marriage difficulties?

A reader asks:

What advice can I give to my Christian sister-in-law regarding adultery? My brother has committed adultery. Would she be able to forgive and somehow restore their marriage?

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That's a tough one to answer in this type of forum because there are so many considerations and variables. So I'll throw out a few summary points just to point you in the right direction.

First, I would tell her that while divorce is a Biblical option at this point, it shouldn't be her first option, and she should not act impulsively while her emotions are in such turmoil. It may very well be that his adultery and potential refusal to do the necessary Godly things that could reconcile the marriage, may cause the marriage to be unsalvageable. God understands the destructiveness of adultery to the human heart, and I believe this is one of the reasons he makes adultery Biblical grounds for possible divorce.

YES, the marriage CAN be restored, and can even be better than ever. Sometimes adultery, though never excused, actually reveals much more that was wrong with the relationship. In those cases, if BOTH parties are willing to do whatever is necessary to heal and reconcile, the sin of adultery can become a distant memory.

I say BOTH with regards to reconciliation, because often the offended spouse will take on a complete victim role and refuse to admit to anything they need to change, or that they did anything to contribute to the situation (which is rarely true).

Now, that's not to be callous and somehow say that adultery can be blamed on the faithful partner. It can't. There is no excuse for it and no justification for it, no matter what the other spouse was doing.

However, and often, there are things the other spouse did to help open the door to the temptation. For women whose husband commits adultery, it is a painful but useful exercise to ask themselves if they helped make things ripe for adultery by things such as: nagging, manipulation, withholding sex, insults and such.

On the flip side for men whose wives have cheated, ask yourself if you have been inattentive, unaffectionate, devoid of compliments and affirmation, selfish with your time, bullying, domineering, uncaring.

It's hard for people to look at themselves when they have been cheated on, but it is a necessary part of reconciliation.

Now, more to your sisters defense, her decision about divorce or reconciliation has much to do with his attitude: is he repentant? Does he accept full responsibility? Has this been a long running adultery? Has he cut off ALL contact with the other person?

That last point is important because statistics show that MOST men will NOT actually quit the adultery, and will lie about ending the relationship. Very often, they make a show of contrition after being "caught" but within a few weeks have returned to their illicit lover, and end the marriage themselves. This is a painful fact your sister needs to be on guard about. (the same is true about woman who commit adultery too)

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The best chance they have for real reconciliation and healing of the marriage is:

• Honest self evaluation about the state of the marriage leading up to the adultery
• Complete acceptance without excuse for personal failures
• Full commitment to whatever effort and time it will take to heal the relationship
• Submissive accountability to several Godly, spiritually married Christian couples
• A complete overhaul of the relationship, retooled in Christian communication and priority
• A willingness by her husband to accept a time of broken trust and be willing to be offer the assurance your sister needs about where he is at, what he is doing... complete accountability of time and activity.

I know a few paragraphs here are not much hope in light of the whole situation, but I hope that helps some.

What are your questions about adultery, and how a marriage can survive it?