 I have written alot lately about how kind everyone has been to us and how much our Christian family has supported us through Abby's bout with cancer. Sometimes I feel guilty that we are receiving so much love and help when I know there are so many people who have not experienced the same reaction from their Christian family.
I've received some emails from people telling me that they have experienced, or are experiencing a grievous crisis, and they are all but ignored by their Christian family. There is no intention to make us feel guilty about being helped, they just feel discouraged and let down not to receive the same. I can feel the sadness and frankly, I don't have any magic answers for them.
The fact is, I've been on both sides. I remember one point in my life when something extremely heartbreaking occurred and my life was dumped upside down. I mean torn apart from all sides. Even though I part of a large church that I had been very active in, you would have thought I was a leper at that point. The loneliest part of my week was in the midst of a thousand other Christians on Sunday morning when I was avoided because of "comfort". What I mean is, nobody knew what to say to me. My situation was uncomfortable and awkward. To not say anything would feel heartless, and to keep bringing the situation up over and over would be pointless. So I was avoided.
I went for weeks and heard from virtually no one except for the occasional obligatory "check in". When I ran into someone they would apologize and tell me how much they had been "meaning to call me". I don't really fault them for it, I'm not sure I would have been any different.
In fact, I wonder how many people I've neglected over the years, avoiding help because I was too busy, or it was an uncomfortable situation. I don't know the answer to that, but I would be surprised if I've not been guilty of it more than once simply because I know how easy it is to "turn off" our mind towards something we really don't want to deal with, or invest in. Think about that before passing over it too quickly: it is easy to "turn off" our minds towards someone or some situation that is hard, uncomfortable, unpopular or time consuming. We avoid having to consciously say "no, I don't want to help" by simply not allowing ourselves to be reminded of it, or saying "later", or saying "I'm not sure...".
I struggle with not having answers for people who are experiencing isolation or being ignored by other Christians (either in reality or perception). I don't even know "why" except that human nature being what it is gives us some guesses:
- Maybe their church is not very loving or spiritual,or too caught up in programs and activity to invest in people privately
- Maybe those in need aren't "important" enough to be noticed or helped. I've often seen situations where the Pastor or someone notable is showered with help and support while others are neglected.
- Of course this type of favoritism is hated by God, but human nature leans people in this direction sometimes without even notice
- Maybe the folks needing help are perpetually in a crisis of their own making and people are worn out helping or see no point
- Maybe the needs are not well known, and those needing help are assuming people should just "know" what they need
- Perhaps people don't know how to respond to or approach a very uncomfortable situation and it's easier to just avoid it
- Could be that a church is "cliquish" and people are left out who aren't in the "right group"
- Sometimes people are chronic "takers" and never help other people, always expecting to be the recipient of benevolence
It's really hard to state any definitive reason, but the fact is irrefutable: many people feel isolated, forgotten and unloved in the one place where that should NEVER occur: the Lord's Church.
I've felt loneliness, isolation and avoidance when I thought I was an integral, active, loved part of a Christian group. At other times, like now, I've felt overwhelmed with love, prayers, support and practical help from every corner of my life. We've received cards, letters, encouragement, prayers, food, financial help, babysitting and every other kind of practical blessing both from those we are close to, those we have known only a short time and those we have never even met. It is a blessing beyond our ability to communicate adequately. We feel humbled and undeserving of such a blessing.
But... it makes me deeply, deeply sad for those who I know are reading this and thinking "I wish my Christians friends cared for us that way."
I don't have any magic answers, or guilt trips, or rah-rah speeches that will solve it all. All I can do is encourage each person to embrace the command that "by our love, the world will know we belong to Christ", and use that motivation to find someone truly in need, and show them you belong to Jesus (John 13:35).
Why do you think some people feel lonely and forgotten by other Christians? How do we fix that?
~ Brent
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